No mum or dad sets out on the parenting path to scar their children emotionally. But between the pressure of seemingly perfect parents on social media and the plethora of child-rearing advice from all schools of thought, sometimes you might lose your way and unwittingly develop behaviours reminiscent of toxic parents.
Toxic Parenting Styles
Toxic parents create an environment that compromises their children’s emotional and physical well-being. Healthy development requires love, understanding, and communication with your child. The absence of these elements can manifest in these toxic parenting styles.
Tiger parenting
The American Psychological Association defines tiger parenting as a strict, authoritative method to raise high-achieving children. While some believe that setting high expectations for their children will result in success, a constant demand for perfection can lead to anxiety and depression, according to studies from the Asian American Journal of Psychology.
Passive parenting
In situations where another parent, adult, or child exhibits toxic behaviour towards a child, a parent must protect their own. But if you have passive parenting tendencies, you tend to fail to stand up for your child. Passive parenting stems from a fear of confrontation, causing a parent to be in denial – often at the expense of their child.
Helicopter parenting
A parent who constantly hovers over their child to “protect” them does the opposite. Being overly involved or protective can make children feel suffocated, which they can carry into adulthood. Adults raised by helicopter parents may have difficulty setting boundaries since they didn’t have any growing up.
Narcissistic parenting
Narcissistic parents are manipulative and exploitative due to their insecurities and self-obsession. This toxic parenting style hinders a child’s independence and coerces them to live in the shadow of their parents. Children of narcissists grow up feeling unworthy, unloved, and never being good enough.
Dismissive parenting
As the name suggests, dismissive parenting neglects or rejects the needs of a child. They see children as a burden and become emotionally unavailable to them as a result. Constantly facing rejection growing up can lead a child to develop a negative self-image of themselves.
How to Know if You’re a Toxic Parent
Some signs are obvious, but other toxic behaviours may develop over time without you realising it. Being aware of seemingly small, harmless gestures will help you cultivate a healthy relationship with your child. Here are some examples of toxic behaviours:
- You lack emotional regulation.
- You rarely show affection.
- You’re overly controlling.
- Your children’s needs and feelings come second to yours.
- You never apologise, even when wrong.
8 Tips to Avoid Toxic Parenting
Dear mama or dada, if this is you, keep reading to learn eight ways to avoid falling into the toxic trap. These tips will help you be intentional with your children, whether they’re five or 15.
1. Let your child be their person.
You may have carried your offspring for nine months and brought them into this world with visions of what they’re supposed to be, but there comes a time when your little ones will be old enough to make their choices. Whether it’s picking neon leotards over the boring beige outfit you preferred or wanting to sign up for basketball instead of soccer, giving your mini-mes room to explore will allow them to discover things about themselves that might surprise you too.
2. Correct without criticising.
Understand the difference between correcting and criticising. Rather than being a dictator out to inflict terror, see yourself as a gentle guide to help your child navigate the often challenging and scary road of growing up. Watch your words and be careful not to use labels like “lazy” or “dumb.” Instead, specify the behaviour that needs correcting and show them what to do instead.
3. Don’t play the blame game.
Using shame or guilt to manipulate your child to do what you want will only damage their sense of worth and might lead them to carry over scars from constantly blaming themselves, even until adulthood. It’s not your daughter’s fault she’d rather be with friends for a scheduled Friday night out instead of staying in with you. Your son doesn’t need to know how much you spent on all his gear only for him not to make it to varsity.
Don’t make threats of terror, either. Scaring your children because they failed to turn in their homework yesterday will only push them farther from you instead of pushing them to do better.
4. Model healthy relationships.
Whether it’s conflict resolution with your spouse or not bad-mouthing your nosey sister-in-law, modelling healthy behaviour at home will create an environment for your child and teach valuable traits necessary to maintain and build healthy relationships with others.
Don’t forget to have a healthy relationship with yourself too. Avoid any negative self-talk and show your little human the importance of self-care. Go on a date with your partner or some friends! A day at the spa isn’t selfish and getting treatment for your misaligned bite is one way to show your children that mummy needs to take care of herself, too, so she can better watch over everyone else.
ClearCorrect dental aligners give you an easy, comfortable, and subtle solution to straighten your teeth. Now that you don’t have to worry about the hassle of cleaning in between wires and brackets from braces, you can focus on cleaning up your toxic parenting act (and maybe a few dishes here and there while you’re at it).
5. Learn your child’s language.
Before you bust out your best goo-goo and ga-ga, the language we’re referring to is your child’s communication style. If your kid is a toddler, understand that they see the world differently from you. Before you write your two-year-old off as terrible, slow down, take a deep breath and stop momentarily to notice what you need to do to connect with your child on their terms, not yours. Toxic parents often miss out on cues that would otherwise help them communicate better with their children.
6. Don’t pass your problems to your child.
Maybe it’s because you’ve had toxic parents yourself and are still recovering from old wounds. But it’s a vicious cycle that every generation tries to break but often fails to. A hallmark of toxic parenting is the idea that your children are obliged to take care of you. Of course, the opposite is true, but somehow, parents fall into the trap of packaging themselves as victims and making their children take on responsibilities they should never have to.
7. Set boundaries, but respect theirs.
As a parent, it’s your job to set certain boundaries to protect your growing child. But even at a young age, children can already set boundaries for themselves. Don’t force your child to talk to your boss’ kid just because you want to score some brown-nosing points. Neither should you scold them for not wanting to hug Uncle John if they don’t feel like it. Respect their space and treat them like you would want to be treated.
8. Practise mindfulness.
It’s easy to blow up in the heat of the moment – any parent knows all too well how often this happens. When you find yourself on the raging road of no return, a practical tip to control an outburst is to observe the things around you, like your breath. Inhale deeply and count to three. Continue counting for as long as you must, and as you exhale, you’ll notice your anger slowly dissipating, giving you more clarity and a cooler head. When your children push you to your limits, don’t react. Respond instead.
No one said parenting was easy and it’s okay if you hit a few bumps. What’s important is that you recognise the areas you can improve on so you can do better next time. Your children’s emotional needs grow with their physical ones. Soon you’ll find that by avoiding the mistakes toxic parents make, you’re not only raising your little ones, but you’re also raising yourself.
References:
Chamberlin, J. (n.d.). ‘Tiger parenting’ doesn’t create child prodigies, finds new research.
Chua, A. (2011). Battle hymn of the tiger mother. Penguin Books.
Kim, S. Y., Wang, Y., Orozco-Lapray, D., Shen, Y., & Murtuza, M. (2013). Does “tiger parenting” exist? Parenting profiles of Chinese Americans and adolescent developmental outcomes. Asian American Journal of Psychology, 4(1), 7–18.
