In 1992, Dr Gary Chapman published the first book in his Five Love Languages series. In it, he theorised that every person strongly aligns with at least one or two love language types, which refers to how they like to give and receive affection in relationships.
Chapman based much of his theory on his experiences and observations as a marriage counsellor. He noticed the couples who sought his advice often misunderstood each other’s needs. They kept missing the mark because each party loved the other in the way they themselves wanted to be loved. But people with different personalities will have different preferences – a.k.a. love languages.
Initially, there were only five types of love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, exchange of gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Since the concept entered the romance lexicon in the early ‘90s, other relationship researchers have suggested adding more types to suit evolving needs.
Getting to Know the Two New Love Language Types
In 2022, online dating website eHarmony.com conducted a survey and found that “nearly half of respondents aren’t sure the five love languages encompass” their preferences anymore. Instead, the survey revealed that shared experiences and emotional security rank high as “new” love languages among those who’ve been in romantic relationships.
Shared experiences refer to “adventuring and expanding yourself with someone,” while emotional security refers to “feeling emotionally seen and taken care of” by their partner.
The former fosters a deeper connection between two people since unique experiences become more enjoyable when shared. Meanwhile, the latter is the foundation of many strong, healthy bonds. When you feel secure with someone, you can be yourself fully and trust they’ll reciprocate that authenticity.
Of course, you can have more than one love language. Some experts note that each has its place in a relationship, and they fall on a spectrum depending on your priorities. For example, perhaps shared experiences and emotional security are tied for first place in your heart. What might that look like?
Your idea of a grand romantic gesture could be your S.O. getting a life-changing dental treatment with you – say, going through smile transformation with ClearCorrect clear aligner therapy. You might feel anxious navigating the journey with anyone else. But with them, it’s comforting. You’re on the same page, understand each other’s insecurities, and show up for mutual support. What could be more romantic than that?
How Love Languages Can Affect Relationships
In the three decades since Chapman’s first publication, the concept has become what some describe as a cultural phenomenon. As such, many researchers investigated the validity of the love languages model and how it applies to real relationships.
One 2020 study published in the Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research concluded that learning and using your partner’s love language can lead to “increased feelings of love and relationship satisfaction.”
Meanwhile, in 2017, psychology researchers assessed 67 heterosexual couples for a study published in the Personal Relationships journal. The outcomes “[suggested] that the effectiveness of Chapman’s model may be dependent on both spouses exhibiting appropriate self-regulatory behaviours.”
When you know what your partner needs to feel loved, it becomes easier to love them in a way that resonates with them. But ultimately, the theory only works if you and your partner actively use it to your relationship’s advantage. And even if your love languages align, there’s no guarantee that your relationship will thrive if you don’t continue working on it beyond that.
For example, saying “I love you” to someone who prefers words of affirmation can only do so much if deep-seated problems, like trust issues, aren’t addressed. So, use love languages as tools to facilitate empathy, compassion, and closeness – but don’t rely on them for all the answers.
What’s the Most Common Love Language?
According to Chapman, 23% of people who answered his questionnaire in December 2010 chose words of affirmation as their primary love language, followed closely by quality time at 20%.
However, more recent data suggests a different trend. In 2020, the Southeast Asian research firm Milieu Insight surveyed 900+ Singaporean respondents. The poll found that most women preferred “less tangible expressions of love” (i.e., quality time, acts of service), while men prioritised “external expressions” (i.e., physical affection). But overall, most respondents favoured quality time.
International market research company YouGov conducted a similar survey among 1,000 Americans and found that quality time ranked first in that demographic, too. Greeting card company Moonpig also determined that most of their Australian respondents (38%) considered it their top pick.
How to Know Your Love Language
So, what’s your love language? You can always turn to free online quizzes that provide insights into your personality and interpersonal needs. But you can also start with self-reflection. Think about your relationships and when you feel most cared for and appreciated.
Maybe you like intimate dinners with deep conversation and zero distractions. If so, quality time sounds like your number one, too. Perhaps you’re keen on exploring the world and eager to share that passion with someone you love. Shared experiences may be right in your wheelhouse. Does it feel like Christmas morning whenever you receive a thoughtful gift? Well, you can probably guess where this is going.
Knowing your love language type (and other people’s) can help you communicate your needs better, resolve conflicts efficiently, and feel more fulfilled in relationships, among other perks. So, learn more about how you like to love and be loved – you won’t regret it.
References:
Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 280–290.
eHarmony. (2022). 2023 Dating Trends Report. eHarmony.com.
Gupta, A. H., & Mazón, L. (2022, August 29). How love languages became a cultural phenomenon. The New York Times.
Hughes, J. L., & Camden, A. A. (2020). Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 25(3), 234–244.
Milieu Insights. (2020). Love languages in Singapore. Mili.eu.
Orth, T. O., & Sanders, L. S. (2022, February). What are Americans’ love languages? YouGov.
