Long-distance relationships (LDRs) take a lot of work, but it is possible to thrive in one. After all, they’re like any other relationship – complete with their upsides and drawbacks. Writer-editor and Time Magazine contributor Jo Piazza shares, “the time apart, the distance, makes our relationship better.”
Are you and your partner going through your long-distance era? Piazza’s statement may resonate with you. Here are some things to keep in mind to increase your chances of having your LDR last. Keep reading to learn more.
Realities of a long-distance relationship
The most successful long-distance relationships require both partners’ conscious and continuous mental and emotional commitment.
3 Harsh facts about long-distance relationships
Before even entering into a “living apart together” or LAT situation, consider these three harsh facts about long-distance relationships:
- Long-distance relationships can get lonely.
You’re most likely seeking companionship from your relationship, so distance and time apart can cause the stability of your relationship to take a hit. You may end up feeling lonely, which can lead to other relationship health concerns.
A study in the Journal of Social Psychology found that men were more likely to be affected negatively by a long-distance relationship, which could lead to anxiety, insecurity, worry, stress, and other negative emotions.
- LDRs require excellent communication and trust
Because the time apart can lead to feelings of doubt and insecurity for both partners, a high level of trust and a greater effort at solid communication becomes more essential to a long-distance relationship than for couples living in the same city.
- LDRs have an emotional and financial cost.
Living far away from each other doesn’t just cause stress and insecurity in a couple. It can be hard on the wallet, too. Because of the distance between you and your partner, you may need to spend more money to meet in person, even if this is less often. In-person dating and spontaneous meet-ups are more expensive and less frequent.
7 Long-distance relationship killers
Many so-called LDR killers are red flags in any relationship. But they can be more likely to occur in a long-distance relationship if you don’t take steps to avoid them.
In an expert-reviewed article for Simply Psychology, Ioanna Stavraki identifies seven things that can kill a long-distance relationship despite the conveniences we now enjoy thanks to living in the digital age. These include:
- Breakdown of emotional connection, meaning the physical distance between you also creates an emotional distance. This can happen in spite of digital communication, as it’s harder to pick up on non-verbal emotional cues over the phone or during a video call. It’s also difficult to have deeper, more meaningful conversations digitally, so many couples tend to fall back on small talk.
- Feelings of insecurity may be amplified by physical separation, as not being physically present may lead to you feeling less certain about your partner’s actions, feelings, and trustworthiness. This lack of trust can manifest in potentially toxic behaviours like being overly demanding or suspicious about your partner’s activities and schedule, preoccupation with potential betrayal, and neglect or disagreement of personal boundaries.
- Lack of shared experiences may contribute to the downfall of a long-distance relationship because you don’t have the everyday moments of togetherness that bolster non-LDR couples’ relationships, especially for major life events like birthdays, anniversaries, and other milestones. Even when you try to share what’s going on in each other’s lives, this can often become more of an information exchange than a shared experience.
- Overlooking small gestures and everyday ways to show affection can also cause couples to grow apart emotionally. Coordinating long-distance relationship gifts or surprises takes more effort. Meanwhile, reassurances like platonic touch and more intimate embraces and actions are only possible during sporadic visits. This can make you feel less connected as a couple.
- Lack of adaptability and flexibility – being unable or unwilling to adjust to unforeseen circumstances may increase the misunderstandings and feelings of frustration and anger between you and your partner in any relationship. But it’s even more important in a long-distance relationship, where shifting schedules and unexpected events can eat into your time together, whether on trips to see each other or on scheduled phone or video calls.
- Personal growth stagnation can be a relationship killer because relationships grow as couples grow together and individually. In an LDR, you may end up focusing on your relationship to the detriment of your personal development.
- Trying to make the time you spend together perfect can hurt rather than help your relationship if you put too much pressure on yourself and your partner. Couples may want to compensate for how long they’ve been apart by cramming activities and dates into their limited visits. It’s all too easy to go overboard and focus on filling the time together with activities rather than meaningful experiences.
How you and your partner can survive a long-distance relationship
Don’t let the information above scare you away from entering an LDR. Many relationships that start out long-distance or have periods where the couple lived apart have proved healthy and successful, especially after the initial adjustment period. If you’re wondering how to make a long distance relationship work, here are a few tips.
Start with and maintain your trust and confidence.
Keep a positive mindset about your LDR, be honest with each other, and don’t allow yourself to spiral into jealousy or insecurity about your relationship. These are some top tips for surviving LDRs offered by online safespace ReachOut Australia. Maintaining trust and confidence in yourself and your partner helps ensure you’ll come out on the other side of your long-distance relationship stronger than ever as a couple.
Stay in touch through multiple channels.
Regular and positive communication is one factor in increasing satisfaction in a couple’s relationship, according to a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family. So, it’s important to keep multiple open lines of communication with your partner while you are physically separated. Text regularly, send emails and voicemails, schedule video calls, and do whatever you can to keep your connection to each other positive and vibrant.
Set ground rules and an end date.
A lack of ground rules can lead to feelings of uncertainty, so it’s best to start with a clear idea of how you want the relationship to go. This can mean setting expectations about the frequency of any digital dates or check-ins. You can also outline things you want to remind each other to do when apart, like maintaining a self-care routine or socialising more.
It’s also vital to set an expectation for an end-date to your LDR – an end to your separation, that is, and not your relationship. One of the things that may help you stay positive is the knowledge that you will eventually be able to be together, and your separation may become easier to bear when you have a time frame for your reunion.
Have a support system.
Having your partner, who is likely your primary source of affection and support, be away from you can be emotionally taxing. That’s why cultivating a fulfilling social life beyond your romantic relationship is so important. Make time to stay in touch and reconnect with friends and family. Your mates can be there for you in ways your partner can’t, not just during your LDR but throughout your life.
Be flexible and don’t sweat the small stuff.
You can foster a sense of flexibility into your communications with your significant other to strengthen your relationship. For example, when suggesting a video call, maybe you can suggest multiple dates and times to allow your partner to pick the one that best suits their schedule. And if things don’t go according to plan, remind yourself it’s not the end of the world (or your relationship), and be willing to take a rain check.
Any relationship can benefit from good habits observed by both partners, so make sure you and your significant other commit to making things work with both your words and actions.
How to wow your long-distance relationship partner at first sight
If your answer to the question “do long-distance relationships work?” is a resounding yes, congratulations! It sounds like things are looking up. But if you’re struggling, you should know that not all hope is lost.
When figuring out how to make a long-distance relationship work, don’t underestimate the impact of the little things. One thing you can do to improve your relationship is to make sure that the sparks fly at every face-to-face meet-up. Are you seeing your partner soon? Here’s how to make your reunion feel magical.
1. Surprise them with a heartfelt gift.
Being able to finally see each other in person after a long time apart is a gift all on its own. Think of this as the cherry on top of an already-wonderful surprise. When you’re in a long-distance relationship, gifts from your partner become even more meaningful, especially on special occasions like anniversaries, birthdays, or graduations.
They’re a tangible expression of love – something to hold on to when you’re miles apart and missing each other dearly. Surprise gifts also help keep the romance and excitement in your relationship alive. But instead of picking something up from the store, go the extra mile and make them a gift from scratch. Handmade gifts are much more intimate and hold inherent sentimental value.
Is your partner a visual person who loves capturing special moments? Compile a photobook of your shared adventures! Add playful doodles and other creative touches to bring it to life. Do they love crafts? Make them an everlasting bouquet with origami flowers, each with a handwritten message.
Whatever you choose to make, be guided by what you know about your partner. Your gift should display your appreciation. It should confirm that they have your full attention and loyalty, even when you spend most of your time in different places.
2. Greet them with a smile.
When meeting in person, you can easily make your partner fall for you all over again by welcoming them with a warm, confident smile. If you’re insecure about your teeth, speak to your dentist who can run you through the orthodontic treatment options available to help address your concerns.
To bypass shyness about your treatment, you can try clear aligners. They’re like braces in that they straighten teeth by gradually easing them into a new position. The difference is aligners are much more discreet – practically invisible. No one can tell you’re even wearing them.
On your next dental check-up, try asking about ClearCorrect’s aligners, which are removable and use a medical-grade, triple-layer plastic material called ClearQuartz. They’re custom-made to fit your teeth, so you can count on them to stay comfortable throughout treatment. You can take an online smile assessment to find out if you’d be a good candidate for ClearCorrect aligners.
The perfect smile will be different for everyone and the most important thing is you’re confident in your own skin.
3. Dress to impress.
Dress your best to show your partner that seeing them feels like an event worthy of a red-carpet roll-out. Don’t be afraid to be “extra”! Is there a gorgeous dress in your closet that makes you feel like a star? Wear it even though you’re only picking them up from the bus stop. Maybe you prefer a three-piece suit with swanky leather shoes – go for it. Treat your meeting like it’s prom night, because you’ll want to leave a lasting impression on your significant other.
Go all out on hair, makeup, and other self-care rituals, too. Surprise them with a fresh new ‘do and a movie star glow-up. Exfoliate with a body scrub the night before for supple, soft-to-the-touch skin. If you have facial hair that your partner loves, get it professionally trimmed. If they don’t like scruff, maybe a smooth, hairless look is the way to go. Do the most and watch them light up when they finally see you.
Do you have other ideas for wowing your partner during your grand reunion and the date nights you’ll finally be able to have in person? Surprises like these do wonders for long-distance relationships. From now on, take every meet-up as an opportunity to excite and delight your partner, reminding them why you’re meant to be together.
Despite the challenge of maintaining a long-distance relationship, you may find your relationship with your partner growing stronger because of it.
Allow yourself to let distance make the heart grow fonder, as the adage goes. Once you’re together again, you’ll be ready to face anything else life has to throw your way and, more importantly, recommit to each other with more love and confidence than before.
References:
Cameron, J.J., & Ross, M. (2007, December). In times of uncertainty: predicting the survival of long-distance relationships. The Journal of Social Psychology, 147(6):581-606. DOI:10.3200/SOCP.147.6.581-606.
Lavner, J.A., Karney, B.R., & Bradbury, T.N. (2016 June 01). Does couples’ communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication? Journal of Marriage and Family, 78(3): 680–694. doi: 10.1111/jomf.12301.
Preddy, S. (2019, May 13). How your teeth can affect your self-esteem.
Piazza, J. (2018, June 19). How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work, According to Experts. Time.com
ReachOut Australia. (n.d.). How to make long-distance relationships work. au.reachout.com
Relationships Australia – New South Wales. (2024, March 08). How to really make a long-distance relationship work. relationshipsnsw.org.au
Stavraki, I. (reviewed by Guy-Evans, O., MSC, & McLeod, S., PhD). (2024, February 14). What Kills Long-Distance Relationships? 7 Reasons. SimplyPsychology.org
