Ah, the honeymoon phase. Everything feels magical and love seems to conquer all. But when the rose-coloured glasses come off, you may notice compatibility issues and, possibly, red flags in the relationship. Perhaps your S.O. lashes out whenever you spend time away from them, or they always comment about your body. These seemingly small details can point to deeper underlying problems that you should not ignore.
Red Flags in a Relationship to Look Out For
Some red flags are easy to spot. Other times, they seem harmless at first or even humourous to some degree. However, repetitive forms of abuse are damaging in the long run. Here are some toxic traits that signal it’s time to cut ties.
1. Overly controlling behaviour
It’s normal for a couple in a healthy relationship to consult each other or ask for advice. But if your partner dictates what you eat and wear, who you see, or how you spend your money, start rethinking your relationship.
2. Lack of trust
Controlling behaviour is rooted in distrust. Everyone has doubts sometimes. But making wild accusations or unrealistic scenarios because they don’t trust you is a clear sign of an unstable relationship.
3. Narcissism
According to StatPearls, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. It’s hard to find your place with someone who thinks the world revolves around them.
4. Extreme jealousy
Jealousy in and of itself is not a red flag. However, it becomes problematic when it triggers toxic behaviours like invading your privacy or prohibiting you from seeing others, even friends and family.
5. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse when your partner does things to make you question your feelings or even your sanity. For instance, they might accuse you of saying or doing something that never happened.
6. Poor communication skills
The hallmark of every relationship is healthy and open communication. If your partner reacts in anger or hurt each time you bring up your concerns, they’re likely unwilling to communicate in the first place.
7. Violence or aggressive behaviour
What are the red flags you should never ignore? Any form of violence or physical abuse is a serious and dangerous behaviour that calls for immediate action, even if it only happens once. If you feel threatened or unsafe in any way, seek help and contact your local authorities immediately.
8. Lack of friends
A person’s inability to maintain friendships may suggest challenges in maintaining romantic relationships. In any case, if your partner’s social circle is nil, zero in on ending things.
How to Address Red Flags in a Relationship
If your partner’s behaviours make you feel iffy, it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship has reached its end. Recognising and addressing red flags can help in building a healthier and more fulfilling partnership. Here are some ways to work through them.
Assess the patterns.
There’s a difference between forgetting an anniversary and repeatedly missing important dates. Occasional slipups are normal and forgivable. Your past experiences and expectations might also cloud your perspective, causing you to misinterpret your partner’s actions. However, constant lapses can signify how much care someone puts into the relationship.
Look beyond isolated incidents and recognise recurring signs that set off alarm bells. It will also help to write down the common red flags and note how each makes you feel. Are they causing you stress, anxiety, or sadness? Are they eroding your self-esteem and trust? Once you examine patterns and log your emotions, you gain a clearer perspective of the deeper dynamics at play.
Set boundaries.
Dating red flags are subjective. Some people might consider not flossing as a deal breaker, while others shrug it off. The list of what you will and will not tolerate serves as your boundaries. And, yes, you’re entitled to define them based on your values and preferences.
So, take the time to reflect on your partner’s behaviours that do not align with the limits you have boldly set. Remind them again of your boundaries and see if they’re willing to change their habits or continue crossing the lines. How they respond can reveal much about their respect towards your well-being and the relationship.
Have an open dialogue with your partner.
Chances are your partner doesn’t realise they have toxic tendencies. While it’s not your responsibility to “fix” them, letting them know how they treated you wrongly is essential to addressing relationship red flags. Honest communication allows them to gain awareness and take responsibility for their actions.
Harville Hendrix, PhD, a marital therapist, advises couples to practise what he calls Imago Dialogue. While facing each other, state your thought in a short sentence beginning with “I.”
Instead of saying, “You never introduce me to your friends,” try, “I feel unwanted and insecure when you don’t acknowledge me as your partner in front of others.” This communication technique lets both parties listen without judgement, preventing you, or your partner, from throwing accusations in the heat of the moment.
Focus on self-care.
Rather than spending too much time overanalysing relationship red flags, focus on prioritising your needs. Remember, you are fully capable of making yourself happy. Besides, relying solely on someone else to be your end-all is unsustainable and can put undue pressure on the relationship.
Research shows that self-care can increase relationship satisfaction, boost confidence, and improve your ability to regulate emotions. So, start investing in several areas of your personal growth, from finances to health. If you’re conscious of your smile, it might be time to visit your dentist! They can recommend orthodontic treatments like clear aligners from ClearCorrect to shift your crooked teeth to their proper positions.
Be honest with yourself.
You’ve talked to your partner, shared your vulnerability, and taken time off to clear your head. What’s next? Consider if both you and your partner are willing to put in the effort to make the necessary changes. It may take time to reignite that fiery passion you two shared at the beginning, but with commitment and dedication, rebuilding your fulfilling relationship is possible.
Before you make the call, ask yourself this question: Can you see a future together? If you answer yes, it’s worth seeking professional help, such as couples therapy or relationship coaching, to gain valuable insights and guidance. However, calling it quits is the best option if your partner is abusive or you no longer feel compatible with them.
The bottom line: Some red flags in a relationship are salvageable, while others are downright dangerous. Ultimately, the decision to move forward rests with you. Trust your instincts and have faith in your decision-making skills.
References:
Hendrix, H., Hunt, H. (2019). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. St. Martins Griffin.
Mitra, P. (2023, March 13). Narcissistic Personality disorder. StatPearls – NCBI Bookshelf.
Torres-Soto, N. Y., Corral-Verdugo, V., Corral-Frías, N. S. (2022). The relationship between self-care, positive family environment, and human wellbeing. Wellbeing, Space and Society, 3, 100076.
